10 more days till the end of the year, but within those days...anything could happen. But I've already decided what I should do next year 2010 and those decision are based on what is good for me. Something that I need to do is that I need to search and fix myself because I'm missing something in life. Life as you know it is not what you think it is...it's much more vast and complicated than that. It's about what you've experienced through out your previous years...love, friendship, hardship, betrayal, stress, bullied, misery, despair and etc are all part of how Life is. The question is, do you understand why all of that are happening to you? Don't blame things or others or critisize or feel regret about why all those happened....learn it and understand why it happened. Those who failed to do so failed to understand the real meaning of how life is.
Please don't ask me about what Life is because I'm still learning...we all are. Only whether we realize things or not. Some will say that "Life is full of challenges" or "Life is all about balance" or etc.... those are quite true, but there's more than just what u hear more often.
Here's what I think.
Life is about how you live through it.
You want to tell other people how they should live their life? Think about yours first before you open your mouth. You need to be humble, honest, willing to admit and commitment to understand things you've done in the past. Nobody is always right because we are not perfect. We shouldn't let our ego take control of us. Even though you feel left out from the rest of your friends cuz they have their own gang...you shouldn't blame them. I'm like that, I already know that some people that I'm used to be close with already form their own private gang and I'm not part of it. If that's what they decide and have their own reason, I shouldn't be a busy body of finding out the reason why. If they have their own reason, I respect it. If it extended to the point that I'm all by myself...then that's how Life will come to be for me.
In life, you have to loose something....cause sooner or later, you'll gain something.
If I can't find love, that's how it is...difficult. Could be because of many reasons. Whether there's such thing as the best will come the last, I do not know. But if fate decides that I don't deserve such pleasure in experiencing love, I can't fight it...because the more I fight to hold on to the hope, the worst/further that hope that I've been reaching for goes away. Atleast that's just me. But I can't have hatred and dissapointment take over me because of that...it'll just make my character worst than before. All I can do is just let it take that hope away from me.
I realize over the past few years that no matter how much I help or how nice I am to the others, not many will acknowledge me , a gratitude or returning the favor...just only be gracious of me doing so for them...that is what my name means. But I don't blame them.... it's useless to do so, I look at myself and there's not many unique things about me that I deserve acknowledgement. I can only stand infront of them and smile because they are happy. How I feel....I guess I don't give a shit anymore. Their happiness is more important than me.
This is how I'm living now.....and that is why 2010, I want to fix it. And I want to do this on my own,....not with God's help or a miracle. I even prayed for a miracle from him till now I'm still waiting for it. So I'm done waiting, I'm gonna do it by myself...it's wasting alot of my time. Friend's help I guess I still can take... but I need to do this on my own. That is why I'm taking a break next year, need to do some cleaning up in me.