What the hell am I doing , God?

I write this to you to ask you a question about me, what the hell am I doing,God? Why am I trying so hard to be back with the past? Why am I going back to the one thing I've tried for 2 years forgetting? Why am I doing this?Why is it that On March,I suddenly had a turned of fate of meeting back with the one person I've forgotten for 2 years.I suddenly attend her birthday party? Why is it somewhere around late August I decided to follow Tim and her to Suzanne's birthday party?? Why is it that on November 2007, I picked her up to attend Tim's party?? Why is it that after that we started to hang out again just like last time?? What's going on?? Didn't I make an oath that I wouldn't see my past and forget the stupid things that I've done? What the heck is happening!?? Crap, now I'm having mix emotions again! This is not how it's suppose to happen! Benedict Rajan prophecied that the things that I forgot.....will come back,... and... No, it won't come true.... u've never been this generous to me. Now I see the result...I'm repeating the event again. Why is fate forcing me to do this! Is it fun to force me back to that painful moment again??? Years of worshipping u is not enough? What else you want me to do anyway??

Now all I wanted to do is just to be with her, but when I think of that....I still remember my past, how can I allow myself to be like this.I became a christian for you, I have friends like I've never had before ,I graduated, I've got a job, I've got a car which I can drive freely around, I've got an apartment which is convenient and now...the thing in the past came back to me, just to see how I will handle it this time. If I were to have your love & blessings.... I'll take her hands, and never let it go. But all this are happening because u want to fulfill the bad vision I had last year, am I right? Am I some sort of an omen child to you? IF you can , just answer me...because I feel like creeping back to my sorrowful sanctum, like I always have before I known you.