I still feel like crap.

I feel normal, I'm healthy... I'm moving on , doing my job...loving it even though sometimes the project is a little messed up, hang out with...well, with some people, play games to forget things...

But why do I feel like crap? Why is it that I don't have the mood for anything? All I'm doing is pretending to smile and laugh. But every time I sit in the train and look outside of the window... I somehow feel lost, like I don't even know what I'm doing. Don't even know what I'm supposed to do. What's my goal now anyway? Even after talking to some of the people I know about my problem... it's still not good enough, somehow... I need a real reason to why I'm here. Religion can't help me in this because I already know what they are going to tell me the same old crap.

But it is true about one thing, it's so difficult to forget... and I hate pretending that it's okay, I hate lying about it. But it's the only way to shut some people's mouth from asking me the same annoying question. I'm so frustrated...I don't even know what I want now.. just because of one single event, a prophecy that came true...my road crumbles and end up to a dead end.

I hate being alone...I hate being stuck and left behind, I hate to be forgotten. I just feel like returning to my grave because I feel like I don't exist here...no reason. Why God....why did u take my happiness away? Why have u lead me to a wall? why...did u crippled my black wings?

Am I being hated so much?

Work style >)

Here I'm gonna share a little bit on how I normaly work in the office. Ofcourse I won't tell what I'm working on, just want to tell you an interesting way of how I normaly 'need' to work like. I need to multi task when I do my work. It's been like that since high school. During that time, I need to study while playing games or listen to a music or watch TV. It works pretty well during my college time , except for rushing work.

So in my office, I do the same. Yeah, how I do work is a little bit funny. I need to multitask at the same time...if not I'll feel sleepy.

So somtimes on my 22" Samsung LCD screen in my office I would normaly ofcourse open 3D max program to do my work, have an internet browser open to search & read blogs or comics, have a video player (realplayer, media player or VLC) to play my musics or downloaded movies and tv series (yeah..been watching alot of TV series and also have the MSN on to chat with friends =).

Oh, sometimes I play games while I'm doing my work...the game needs to be in window mode so that I could switch from playing games to working on my stuff. But lately I've not been doing that anymore....seriously, now is always after 6pm (work ends) then I play my game. Yes, 6pm is my end time at work...but I stay back till 6.45pm and catch the 7.03pm train. Why? Because the KTM train schedule before that time is always crowded with people. But Friday is the worst , the evening & early night schedule is crazy! They are always crowded! So damn crap wei.... the government never bother to improve the public transportation. Why? maybe they think it's a waste of money that they have confidence in the KTM people to fix it. This is so bloody crap.

Well, that's all... so, this is how I do things at work. Don't like it?, look at the pic below.


I don't care (this is not my office though, it's my apartment room)

Losing the Will..

I feel like crap this week...alot of good & exciting things happened this week but I dunno why as if I don't have the will or the spirit to be myself, the hyperactive weirdo is like gone.

Let's see... what have I done this week.

well, work ofcourse...like the usual. On Monday I met up with my old friend since standard 5, Eddy Leow... along with his gf and his sister Veronica Leow. We had our dinner at Station 1 in ss15, had a really good chat...we were there from 8.45pm till 11.30pm.It's been a while...like about almost 4 years, haha!.

Hmmm....work also... teusday night I watch WWE ( World Wrestling Entertainment ). Yeah, I like wrestling, it's so interesting.

Oh, found Cia Ee's blog... had a chat with her also, it's been quite a long time too (Darn,I still owe her a Nuttella, but no worries!It's been so long that she doesn't want it anymore!!! >D) .

Been reading other people's blog while I'm working... fills the boredom .
Hmmmmmm....
Thursday nothing much.

Hmmmmmmmm....
Friday night went for cell...learn some lame ice breakers, learn a few interesting lessons.

And now I'm blogging....

Wow...very interesting week =_=

The Fallen in the Void

FICTION
The dark fallen's words:

I've been tossed in here by light, never to return back. It's so quiet here, so dark... I can't see anything. My chest....there's a hole, I'm bleeding...but why am I not dead? My wings....it's crippled, my left wing has been torn to half. I can't fly my way out. There's no ground for me to step on, I'm floating? I can't touch anything...there's nothing there. What's going on? Why is there a hole on my chest, why is my wings crippled? Have I been exiled? Is this what you called a 'Banishment'? What did I do? I can't remember....my head....there's a liquid flowing out, am I bleeding?BUt I can't feel anything, no pain? I can't see anything here, I can't feel, I can't smell, I can't hear ....I can't taste anything. There's nothing but emptiness here. What's going on.....

I curled myself , I guess it's the only thing I'm doing now. I'm trying to remember what has happened to me. I could only vaguely remember. A light, is that the light that I came from? No...this light is different, it has compassion and feeling... a feminine spirit? A fairy? The image is so blur. Why does that have to do with me being here? Wait...the image, my hands were hold... my chest... wrapped around by the light, it feels....warm. I denied it? Why did I do that...I tried to run, but then something stopped me...something touch my lips, taste...sweet...and soft. What is this? I felt a sudden warmth and my spirit collapse to that contact. It felt..peaceful. This light....her face, a female...angel.

I don't understand...it hurts so much to dig in deep to my mind. It somehow hurts to remember. We were sitting on the top of a waterfall, she holds me close...whisper closely to me "In everyone, there's always a light watching over them...in that way, you could never be alone. I'm your light....I'll never leave you,a promise from my heart".What?? Never leave me?......but where are you now???? I don't see any light! I can't feel any of it??? Where are you!? My head hurts....tears flowing out from my eyes....heart.My heart? the hole on my chest....my heart is gone. I...can't feel anything. Is this what they call...loneliness?

I drift mindlessly in this vast Void that I'm in. I want to die..... I can't live on like this, I want someone or something...anything would do to incinerate my empty corpse. But there's no one to answer my call... why do I bother, I feel so hopeless. All I can do is to dig up more memories, memories with her. This feeling....I missed her, I want to see her again. God... why can't I see her? What did I do? Why am I here? Are you trying to tell me to forget about her? It's hard... it's impossible for my to forget it.

I can't go on like this....

I feel like sleeping...maybe for a very long time, never to wake up. I can't get my answers at all... I'm here all alone....


alone...





...huh?

Something feels warm?...but I don't see anything. A noise,...something is cracking, what is that? it's from behind..from where I came. I look behind me (oh god it hurts!), a small tiny dot of light. What? Is that a way out....I can't move, how long have I been sleeping? I can't reach....my hand... can't reach. " Don't go!Let me out!!!Please!! Don't leave me here!" But....

it close, the light is gone.

Noo.... no!!I cried endlessly, My only chance to get out....and I can't bloody hell move! Why!


why....






"I'm here"



huh!?? I look up....that small tiny dot of light...it's back! But...it's shooting out. Swirling around like as if in search of something. "Who...are you?" It stopped.... then it dash straight for me! What is that? IF it has come to end my life....... i guess GOd does answer my prayers. I cover my head ...but why? I should be glad to receive the hit. I closed my eyes to not know what's gonna happen to me.

Something touched my hand, it feels...warm and soft, it spread my hand....they are hands... soft, smooth hands? The pair release mine and touch my face...the light, came close and reveal a female face. Oh my God, it's her...the one who.....

she sealed my lips with hers.

" You remembered me...and this is how I found you here. Remember? In every person, there will always be a light watching over them....and also care for them, and love them...never to be apart.In that way, you could never be alone. I'm your light....I'll never leave you, it's..." I continued her sentence "..A promise from my heart.... my heart....it's.."

She put her hand on my chest where the hole is at "...your heart is with me..." She rest her head on my chest "It has always been with me.... just don't disappear from me again...promise?"


" I promise. It's a promise from my heart. Let's escape from this place...to a world where It's a Time for Us."

We vanish out of this place in a form of light....


We found a place called Eseiga , where a place,....a time... For the Angel and the Reven. A time for us.

The Simplest of Things can be ruin

There's one thing that I hate about companies and industries.... they never make up their fucking mind. Even the simplest of concept can become the most complicating concept ever!

My game project could have been simple! A simple story , a simple game play and just one playable character which should be useful, reliable and dependable and kicks ass for once!

It's a little too late now to make the game to a Puzzle solving adventure game!Now a lot of things need to be added in the freaking level. Now 70% of it will be change, WTF!

All the while I thought we're still maintaining the same game project... but like I said earlier, the simplest of concept can become the most complicating concept ever.

Life at my studio... AGAIN.

Yes, I dunno why but I like to post up things as to how my work place is like. The place I'm working at has potential because I'm serrounded by very talented people which with their skills, we can do a better game. We have up to over 20 people now, when Yvonne comes in..she'll be 22. We all here are working our ass off to pull this game through, we want to finish our 1st game as soon as possible and quickly start off the next game. The next we'll do it better with proper game plans and work flow.
We'll do our best!









Yeah, the place still looks new...but atleast it's comfortable to work. The guys here are great to work with . Here are the recent pictures just taken this week.


Ever wonder why those bunch of people gathering around?



Because the pizza is here! We ordered Canadian pizza....not bad to say.


Dig in!!







Ta Daaaa~!!! We finish! all within ....10 - 15mins. >D


See....we even clean it up, we take care of our work place. Yes we do~

Smiles & laughter

Woah...forgot to post this up, better do it now before I forget.On Teusday me and few of the church friends meet up to have dinner together with P.simon and his family at our favourite usual spot...Restoran Sri Bidara. It's been awhile that we've not hang out with him. THis is the good time to cherish the memories ahaha. He's not in our church anymore, he is now a senior pastor in a church at Damansara. When he was at our church, he was our youth pastor for a very long time. He was the 1st pastor I've met and that was during his birthday party in 2004, and that's when I got to know the guys at church and be more active & serve God in that year.

Anywayz...here's the pics~



P.Simon and his wife and kids at the end of the table.


Kevin just want to let u guys know that...he is not Anti social. Sam's face here looks funny >D


Sarah Wong & Ms.TIANG~


Angku cheering up Sam


They are such loving people.


YEah....I know, "what is she doing?"


Keng Guan with his Sony gadgets >D


Chris enjoying WWE on the tv and JOn chatting about music guitars.

Removing what's left of my pain.

Today at the train station , I checked through my messages on how much space I have left. Then I realize.... I'm still keeping her messages. All those messages really brings back the painful good times, ....I don't need to remember the good times. It felt worthless to me now about all those events.Me coming back to her as a friend was but a motive?Cheated on the friendship?If I knew she was gonna think like that, I would have stayed invisible from her.

Thinking that I'm with her again who has changed , who has become stronger than before and more mature (maybe just the looks). But I was really wrong, not being able to see her properly. Most of it is because she's not very honest with me about Zen and maybe quite a little of other things.Zen, that little twirp boy...and she considered me as a close/great friend...haha, what a joke.Yeah, she coupled with a boy.Why? "Tiger and Dragon very ngam! Tiger & tiger will clash!" I'm not a tiger and she doesn't know that,such close friendship we have.But in a way, she sticks with that guy because of that mumbo jumbo bullshit belief. Maybe in the next 10 years when I'm already married , she's still dating younger guys... maybe, can never know...next one could be a little rat.

She changed big time in that,from older guys to now younger guys and her personality has not changed one bit and she is too blur to realize what is it that she's not changed. And she doesn't take some things seriously.Now I wonder why Joey now is not that close to her anymore, now I know as I'm like her at the moment.

She is still the same as how I left her last time.... but dun worry, it'll be my last time seeing her.

I know it may sound very cold , but this is really from me... she's not worth my time now, even as a friend... she's just ordinary. Only honest friends who I'm really close with are in my great friends list.

I deleted all those messages of her, but only kept some to remind me not to make the same mistake again. Good riddens...

Keep ur head in the Game!

Argh... our project is getting more messed up , alot of changes are still going on! The new gameplay is no fun anymore and the story is complicating, not to mentioned that we don't even know what's our dateline and if the dateline is being pushed further later...it's not a very good sign for us. Publishers are expecting something from us and our new game play idea & maybe the story...doesn't seemed to be able to pull it through. Sure maybe we could sell it and get a couple of 100Ks or million...but the rating of the game would not even reach as high as Other Mediocre games. I'm seriously worried man.

I still prefere our old game play idea which is simple 3rd person adventure game where u go around fighting bad guys and using alot of cool spells, rather than more puzzle solving games and less enemy to fight. It's superbly boring , and there's new characters added in which I'm not actually againts it...just that it's making the game play more complicating. To simplify things, we don't have a core game play according to one of my colleague.

This Friday me and my colleague has asked our boss to have a respond to the game idea meeting with the game designer and with some others who have comments about our game.I hope that he would take our suggestion and able to save this game in time. I do not want our studio to end up like in the article at Gamasutra.com.

The happenings...

Well, the days are as normal as my usual. Doing my job where in some I have to redo it again and again cuz the concept is not right (which is not my part) and have to create a new concept for it. After I'm done with my 4th level, I'll be helping out in the character animation....hurray~.

Hmmm...other than that, last Saturday I had a frappucino night with my crazy nutty friend who refused to give me the secret password , Jasmin Lim. Had a talk with her with my problem and talk some other stuff too. I had a good talk too , Ee Min!

P/S : I'm always GOOD!

Been chatting with paige too, it's been awhile since I've chat with her. Ahh...finally, I'm sick and sleepy. Yeah, it's one of those month where I'll get heavily ill which surprisingly I'm still able to go to work. I never thought of getting an MC unless I'm fatally ill (heavily and fatally, sounds the same... and both sounds critical to u guys, but it's not for me...I have stages of ill conditions)

So, that's all I guess....